When Decisions Aren't Rational

Despite having spent most of the past year confronting the limitations of rationality, I am still struggling to comprehend that much of the time, the challenges that life throws at you can't be solved using a linear model of logic.

The lack of linearity offer by life's winding paths appears to have stumped me as I look towards the direction I am heading for the fall. Yes, I understand this is not a life or death situation, but on the other hand, in some ways it is.

It is a life or death situation on a metaphorical scale; for what I choose to do now will likely be how I occupy the larger part of the next 12 months. Will I spend these months toiling away with purpose, or will I fall victim to my own depressive tendencies and instead spend the next year of my life wallowing in confusion.

I expect that confusion will inevitably continue to follow me around like an annoying child, but at this moment, its hold is incredibly strong as I struggle to use my rational mind to find an answer to a "problem" that really has no answer.

Whether I choose to stay in Calgary or move, there will be an emotional pull. My heart strings are rooted here, but my true feeling of home lies in Vancouver. It might be time to go back to my roots and find out what I left behind there.

Either way, this decision comes down to a decision of meaning; a decision as to where I want to derive meaning from for at least the next 12 months of my life. As someone who takes great pleasure in pondering life's big questions, this decision is not just a matter of where I will live (Calgary or Vancouver), but rather it is a question as to what makes life meaningful.

Does having a secure job make life worth living? Earning a decent salary? Being independent? Being in love? Being free to travel, free to write, free to discover WHO I AM.

Perhaps that's what the problem is. I am afraid of staying in Calgary, because I know who I am in this city...but what if that isn't me? This sounds strangely similar to the Sara who left Vancouver four years ago to find her true self.

She thought she found her, but now look, she's running away again.

I am running away from who I am, because I am afraid of being finished, or getting stuck. I'm afraid of settling into a comfortable life, because the longer you stay in that comfort zone, the harder it is to leave.

I know I'm not ready to settle - in any sense of the word - just yet, but part of me also doesn't feel ready to leave Calgary. I feel as though this city has a lot more to offer me, as do I to it.

Yet Vancouver is also full of mysterious pockets just waiting to be explored.

What if the person I am supposed to be is waiting in these pockets?

But wait, that "person" that ideal person that I keep hoping to uncover doesn't exist.

I am constantly in the process of being made - or becoming as Heidegger would remind us - and the fact of the matter is that I will continue to be made in this city or any other.

The real question is just determining which city can provide the best mold to shape my future existence.

I don't know the answer to this question, and I'm never going to know because there is no answer.

All there is is time and chance, and its time for me to start embracing both of these before its too late.